Some weeks, days, hours, breaths are harder than others to find even the smallest of positives. This has been my challenge this week. What one thing stuck out to me? Here, walk with me as I tell you about the roller coaster ride that was my week.
1. I was scrolling through #OperationBeautiful on Instagram and found this: Seeing people enjoying my notes, sharing the smiles, makes my heart happy.
2. TheHubs has been suffering incredible pain, more than normal lately. I’ve not been big grocery shopping in a while and went alone. Came home and I must have overdone it since I was in so much pain (fibro flair I guess) I couldn’t move, or sleep.
3. While helping a friend through some confusion with her VA pay, I logged on to eBenefits to just check it out. I hadn’t done that in a while. When I went to TheHubs’ claims, it said there was no open claims. Ok, so then I checked on his appeal, and it said there was a decision in August 2014 and nothing after that. I’m so confused. Still. We’ve submitted our request for further action and with our letter stating that they have a legal obligation they have yet to address and that they have failed TheHubs. But nothing is showing up in the eBenefits site. That pushed my anxious button.
4. TheHubs is in a bad place, pain wise these last few weeks. It seems to be getting worse. He’s not sleeping again. I’ve had to be late to work to take TheBoy to school three times this week.
5. Won a dress from HolyClothing.Com! I’ve never ordered anything but I’ve been eyeing a Renaissance dress for a while. I’ve emailed them the required info for winning, but have not heard anything back yet.
6. TheRents had a computer problem and brought their machine over for tech support, since we had to cancel going over to their house due to the amount of pain TheHubs was in. We thought we fixed it but then got a call when TheDad got back home saying it was still doing the same thing. We had to do more research. The next day, though, TheDad called us up and said he fixed it! YAY! TheDad will be a techie yet! Not really, but I can dream! 😀
7. December 2013 I found the VA Caregiver Program and took their Caring for the Caregiver class. That was my life saver. That was when I found out that I was NOT ALONE! That there were people who understood what I had been going through, feeling, and trying to make sense of for the last 15 years. There were many ladies who encouraged me to apply for the program, but at that time I felt there were so many people out there who could use it more than me. So I waited. I finally realized that I live my life and no one else. My struggles are real, even if they may be different from others. I decided to apply and sent my application in to the program in May 2014. I had not heard anything from them in months. I kept asking people, especially here in Florida, how long it normally took. Some said a few weeks, some said a year. I guess I was so used to the “Hurry up and wait” mentality that I just took the time I’ve been waiting as “normal.” This week, I decided to check on the status. And, per usual, I got the run around. Three different phone numbers. I’ve gotten used to the run around dealing with the government; but it’s still frustrating. We finally figured out what was wrong. The main office in Georgia had received my application back in May 2014. They then attached it to my file. However, apparently they were supposed to send my Caregiver Support Coordinator an email as well, but she never received it. She was apologizing all over herself and she said she would try to push this through as quick as possible. In my head that meant nothing to me. Anyway, I got a call from the pre-screener this week who asked me a whole slew of questions about what I did for TheHubs on a daily basis. I tried to remember everything, but I’m pretty sure I failed that. It doesn’t matter though, she said she was seeing if what I said qualified me to go on further in the process. The rest of the week I’ve been making a list as to what all I do for TheHubs and the house so I can take it with me to the next set of appointments. I now have my first appointment for Tuesday of next week. That has had me in a panic, too. I fear I will forget something.
8. Still trying to get a lawyer for TheHubs’ claim. Still trying to figure out how to make the VA do their job and do right by TheHubs. Still trying. Some days I get deflated. Some days I start daydreaming and find hope again. Then I remember that usually jinxed things. So yeah, this has been a roller coaster week for sure.
9. Had my therapy appointment again. Both TheHubs and I have taken the personality test to see what we were and to better understand our “differences.” While we can’t change entirely, we can see why we act the way we do. We’ve been communicating more, and I like that. I’m not AS afraid to speak about my negative emotions. I’m learning that it doesn’t make me a BAD person, just a person. It’s still difficult because I want to keep the peace. I am an ISFJ where TheHubs is an INTJ. We have two items in common, which means we generally agree on things in those two areas, the other two butt heads. While I jump head first into a problem and want to solve it, he takes a step back to assess all possible outcomes before he tackles it. While I need all the facts and step-by-step instructions to take on something, he looks at the overall picture and can see all possible outcomes. I take baby steps while he takes giant leaps. Because I need this detailed structure, I cannot, nor do I feel comfortable skipping steps. This does give us a better understanding about ourselves. But I think we’ve come a long way together. I mean, 25 years together, we kind of figured out what works. However, it is ME who needs to realize a lot of things and I am trying. This should make things even better! But realizing these things at first, is very hard to swallow. I must take it all in and think it over (much like this post has gone) before I can come to an understanding of myself and how I should tackle things.
10. Signed us all up for another Color Run. So excited for this one. It is called the NeonVibe 5k. This one is at night. Under black lights. With glow powder! I’m hoping this one will be better for TheHubs since it’s at night and he has photophobia. This SHOULD be better for that and hopefully won’t trigger a migraine. TheBoy’s BFF is going to do it again with us. TheMom is still a maybe. I’d love to have more join us, but we just don’t have a lot of “in-real-life-friends.” All my friends live on the internet.
11. TheBoy finished his science fair project. A day early. Without me having to probe him. YAY!
12. I saved my favorite “I Am…” challenge post for last. Here’s what I posted:
This is me. The older I get the less I seem to care what people think of me, or so I thought. It wasn’t until recently, when I started my healing path last year, did I realize I still worry what people think, especially how I saw myself. I started on a new quest, a quest to change how I see myself and how I think. I am making a point to see myself through a more positive vision and speak of myself, others, and the world with more positive word choices. I am genuine, loyal, kind, empathetic, caring, and loving – always have been. Before, though, I thought I did it to a fault. My heart is so full that when I didn’t receive what I sent out, it broke my heart to pieces, making me think that no one loved or appreciated me or my giving qualities. In turn, it made me think I was such an awful person. I’ve come to realize my loving nature is who I am. Not everyone will like that, and that’s ok. If I can impress on them some goodness, maybe one day they will change. And we need more love and kindness in the world. No matter how many people cannot see me for me and treasure the love I send out to them, I will continue to love, not only everyone around me, but ME.
So there you have it. My roller coaster week. Much pain. Much panic/anxiety. Much hopes and fears. But I’m still here. I’m still kicking. I’ve made it through another week, another day, another hour, another breath. Happy Friday to you all!